Smile Three - Hot Pockets. Morning Creatures.

I have recently discovered that it really does pay to be nice to people... even people you do not even know. I figure when you meet a new person,  even a stranger,  you are faced with a choice. As you walk down the hall way to the break room in the large building where I work ( a big room my friend Lyssa and I call "Hot Pockets" - as in "OMG I was in Hot Pockets... and I saw the guy who dresses like Harry Potter again..." - We started calling it this because they have machines that sell Hot Pockets and it always smells like Hot Pockets and people are always in there eating Hot Pockets....)

 

Anyway I will walk down the hall way to Hot Pockets to get more ice ( or if I am being bad, an overprivced bag of Chili Fritos from the machine - no worries... half the time you don't even get your snack.. it gets stuck... so... that saves on calories) and I will see the random Apple Tech Support employee from the first floor, with like Blue or Orange or Green hair. At that point I am given a choice... I could frown and look away... or I could simply smile and say "Hey.... did anyone ever tell you you look like Harry Potter?" The point is WHAT DOES IT COST YOU TO BE NICE INSTEAD OF FROWN????

 

I see people there all of the time and everyone is on a different journey. In the elevator someone is clearly having a crappy day.... it is 5:30 AM, it's raining, AGAIN, and here we are at work..... When I see someone that looks relatively friendly I will say something like "LIVING THE DREAM!!!!" hahahahahah I know everyone in my division, - its very small and in a private walled off section. You have to like pass a couple of tests and stuff proving that you can really sell to be able to work in my division. So I know they do not work with me... Mostly likely they make less money in the other two divisions. They are strangers.. but whatever.... we are all in this together. There are people who work for the 7 radio stations on the 4th floor that also use the elevator, and you can always tell them because they park close, get out of expensive cars and are kind of aloof. I hardly ever joke with them. The few times I have they were kind of snot heads about it... so WHAT EVERRRRRRR.

 

Speaking of getting up at 4 AM.... I do get up at 4 AM most weekday mornings. I have to be at work by 6 AM. I used to hate this but now I love it. There are morning creatures out and about that I never realized existed before I had this schedule. The world is quiet and most people are asleep.

 

I see all kinds of people at 4 AM... even in my own neighborhood.  There are the two TURBO KICK ladies...  they live down the street from me and get up at some ungodly hour to go to a studio and teach a class where they, from what I can tell,  scream and pound the floor  and punch the air. They are in fantastic physical shape  and I admire them and I might join them one day in a hundred years but that day is not this month or next... There is the kid across the street Chad  who leaves at 5:30 to go work for his Dad I think  and some days, his Step Dad,   Police Man Steve, is also warming up his truck in the driveway getting ready for his 6 AM shift.   Sometimes I will have to make a stop at Francisco's house to drop something off for him. One day I just threw a shirt I won on his lawn. I win a LOT of shirts...none of them are very flattering on me... so... I give them away. Oddly  he  is usually also up at 5 AM.  On the way out of the Hood I pass Chris's parent's house  and shortly after that I pass Three Dog Lady.  OMG  this lady walks three of the cutest little dogs.. at least I think they are cute... its DARK.   But after Christmas?  OMG  Three Dog lady  must have hit the jackpot from Santa because  SHE and ALL THREE of her DOGS  ALLLLL had MATCHING COATS.

 

Sometimes I will stop at the 7-11 at the corner of 99 and Ivy  because I will need to pick up an energy drink (those nutty GEN-Y kids got me hooked on 'em) or something for my lunch. That is one of the few places open at this hour.  They are all nice in there.  One time I had just gotten paid again and my card did not work in the swipey machine and I just about had a stroke.  They were so nice about it and said  "NO, it is our machine.. it does that all the time... its NOT your card."  It finally worked, they were right... but... that was a fun little exercise.  Another place open is the Human Bean Drive Thru coffee place   but Bill makes the strongest coffee on earth and so theirs is weak by comparison.  Plus  I am cheap. and frankly I do not give a crap about coffee. I do not need to know that my beans were FAIR TRADE purchased or whatever... McDonald's   another place open at 5 AM  has a large coffee with 5 creams and 5 sugars for a buck.  The same people are always there at McDonalds every AM.  There is that Really Tall Girl... then Usually Smiling Spanish Girl who was crying that day that singer   that SPANISH POLKA QUEEN singer was killed in a plane crash...  She was crying that morning I remember, and I was not critical of her when I thought back to how much I cried the day Princess Diana died. Sometimes  there is this other girl -  MATTER OF FACT girl... she is verrrry precise.   Yes  I have names for all of the McDonald's people too.

 The one lady I see most often is.... Gas Station Lady.    There is ONE gas station open at 5 AM in Canby.  The next closest one is in Poop Smelling Wilsonville. Wilsonville is a nice enough place but at 5 AM I guess they run the sewage plant or something because there is a stretch of I-5 there where you practically have to hold your breath. I never stop for gas there and I certainly never will at 5 AM.   The gas station in Canby  that is open.. I have no idea what company it even is.. Chevron? 76?  no idea  I cannot remember It is next to the Human Bean though, and it is the only one open at 5 AM.   Every morning there is ONE LADY running it  by herself. She has a long blonde braid and she has to be at least 55 years old  She is Sooooo sweet.  No matter how cold it is   or how hard it is raining or  how many cars are waiting  she is always sweet, nice polite. I love her. I stopped for gas the other morning and since I was done with "Joy for beginners" our book club book, I just gave it to her. I said  "Here   you can keep this book... my book club is done with it and i never read books twice. It's a pretty good story!"   not that I have a motive... I really was not going to read that book again... but maybe she will not mind one cold morning when it is super cold and there are 14 other cars  yet I am really poor that day and I hand her  a ziploc bag full of quarters..."Its $4.00. Really.  I counted it twice..." hahahah

 

 I think the point is that that I do not HAVE TO talk to any of these people. I could frown allll the way from Canby to Work.  I have every right to - Its WAAAY early.  The train is pissing me off again. The fog is so thick I am waiting for a freakazoid from TWIN PEAKS to jump out at my car. I am LATE. I am TIRED. I don't FEEL LIKE going to work today. I did not get enough sleep. I am back on that thing of "What the hell am I doing with my life??" again... I could be a crab. I COULD BE. Most days  I CHOOOSE NOT TO.  I think it is a choice. I think Chris knew that. Most of the time he did.

SMILE TWO - Rides. Stuff at School.

 Spencer  and I did a few things that could qualify as Smile Two this week. I gave one guy a ride home  when we got out a little early,  and I gave a different guy a ride home on a different day when we got out early.  It was not very out of the way.. just meant that I had to get off the freeway... go like one block and get back on.. so Not a big deal.... Also my friend Lyssa gave someone a ride home from work this week. It was CCCCCOOOOOLLLLLD in Oregon this week.  One of these people gave me money for gas  which was very very nice.

In his Third Grade class, Spencer did one of the jobs  that his freind Jair was supposed to do to be nice.   Spencer said  no one really noticed   but Jair did... so...  I guess that is SMILE TWO. Nothing really Earth Shattering, but .... it made a difference to all of those people.

January 14, 2013 Chris's Birthday

On Monday January 14th Chris Annis would have turned 29.

 
If he were still here with us, and was still our coworker no doubt all of us would have made him a very silly cake covered in strange plastic animals, and probably TP'd his cubicle.
 

I can barely imagine what his parents will go through on his first birthday without him, which is coming up on Monday. I cannot even begin to imagine the year they will have. I know that when my mother died I had a year full of "firsts" without her that were very painful. My first birthday without her was very difficult, as were all of the first holidays without her. Her first birthday was also very hard. The first year without her was a very hard year but honestly, she was my mother. She technically is supposed to go before me. I do not really have much of a belief in God so I did not know where she really was and I still do not. However, at least it is the natural order for a parent to die before a child.


Chris's loved ones will have a very hard time this year. I am prepared to support them in any way I can, however, all that I have learned about grief is that it simply takes time. I once had a class in death and dying when I was in nursing school (I never became a nurse though I got pretty far). In that class I learned that there really are no answers and there is no schedule and there is no timetable. There is no "getting over" these kinds of things and though the stages of grief do happen, they do not always happen to everyone, and not all of them happen, and there is no order for when they happen if they do.  You just simply have to FEEL BAD until you DON'T FEEL BAD anymore.  There is no way AROUND it.... only THROUGH. no detours. No shortcuts.

 A person or a family in mourning has a hole in their heart.  Over the years  that hole will not go away, the edges of it will just be a little less jagged.   Maybe one day the shock will start to wane and the realization will start to sink in that this person they loved is not coming back. Maybe their faith will guide them through that. Maybe the thought that they will see that person again gives them comfort. Years later they will think they are past the pain  etc  and then something will trigger  a memory or a date or  who knows what? And there you are, right back there to that raw vulnerable place you found yourself when they first died.  I have a friend that lost a child when the child was 11 and she will never ever, ever be over this. Ever. She remembers every anniversary, every date,  every birthday...  "Megan would have been 22 today. Megan would have done this by now..."

 
I have a very difficult time dealing with death myself, probably because I have no faith in God. I have no idea where the person goes,  what their life is like now...etc.  Where are they? Can they see us?  Do they come alive when we think about them?  Can they send us messages?  Are they reunited with other people who have died?   Do they watch over us?  Do they know we miss them? My mother died on Mother's Day 1994, and her mother died on Mother's day 1974.  What the hell is THAT about????

 

In this silly blog I have no answers and I will never pretend that I do.  All I can do is share one silly little thing that makes January 14th a very significant day for me.  January 14th 2004 was 4 days after my 39th birthday.  For months I had been feeling odd,   tired  I don't know..  so many odd symptoms.  On January 14th, 2004 I finally found out that I was not sick or losing my mind.. but that I was 28 weeks pregnant.

 

TWENTY EIGHT WEEKS.  Yes, I went to nursing school. Yes, my Dad was an M.D. , and HIS DAD was also an M.D.   I thought I really knew everything. In 1991 I actually diagnosed my mother's ovarian cancer using the book "Our Bodies Our Selves."  When we found out for sure what she was sick with it was still terrible but I had guessed correctly.  So how could I not know that I was 28 weeks pregnant? I am not sure. I was REALLLLLLY busy.  However.... I had an ultrasound... and there he was... Spencer Harrison Chapin.  It is surreal to be told on January 14th that you will not only become a parent unexpectedly but that this blessed event will occur in the beginning of April.  April Fool's Day, to be exact. You see, I had to have a planned C Section and guess what?  That day was WIDE OPEN.....

 

 January 14th can be a sad day, because it was Chris's birthday and he would have been 29.  I don't know where he is right now, but I doubt he would want us all to be sad.  I am sure his parents, his friends, people who knew him will be sad on that day, but for a long time it was a happy day for him.

 

Once upon a time, it was a COMPLETELY CRAZY INSANE day for me.

 

Chris, I have no idea where you are or what you are doing today. I know only that your friends and family miss you a great deal, and that you were well-loved, and that your smile and fond memories that they have of you will sustain them through this very difficult year ahead. I for one wish I had gotten to know you better, and I will forever regret that I did not have that chance. Never ever again will I pass up the chance to talk to, or get to know someone that I feel like I could be better friends with for fear of making a total ass of myself.  Happy Birthday! I hope Spencer and I can celebrate your birthday next year by remembering the 91 things we did to make other people smile in your memory. We are sure going to try.

More Smiles....

So far, we have been a little distracted from our goal. First Christmas and New years came, and then Spencer went back to school, and now basketball has started. Also my Birthday.... so.... now that all of these holidays are finally done we can concentrate fully. Spencer and I have both been trying to look for opportunities to help others. So far I made some bean soup with kale and brought some in for a coworker. He liked it. I also invited two friends to my house to learn how to make homemade pizza so they could save some money... It is so easy to make a delicious pizza from a ball of dough you can buy for $1.50 at Safeway. I helped to watch a friend's house while they were out of town. YAWN...... None of these things are exactly earth shattering but the year is quite young.

One thing we have all over our house are these little framed signs of this thing we made up together. I told Spencer a long time ago what I expect of him and that is:
"Today I will: Try my hardest, Work my Hardest and Be My Best Self."

This is all I expect of him. I would love it if Spencer would try hard every day to be the very best version of himself. We have this in a lot of rooms in our house, framed in little Dollar Store frames. There is one by the front door that he can see as he leaves for school every day. On January 10th I turned 48 and my son is 8. Bill and I are older parents, and we did not expect to ever be parents... however here we are.. Spencer was a wonderful surprise and he is a gift in our lives.

So... the year is young.. Spencer and I are just now setting our new year's goals last year some of my goals were to find a job, which I did and get some health insurance for Bill and Spencer, which I did through my job. This year I have other new goals, including trying to save even just a small amount of money from every paycheck.. and to help my family focus on their goals. No matter what, though,  every day my goal is is to try to be the best version of myself I can be. I think it is so important to just accept where you are in life. Very few people have the life they want exactly the way they want it... They spend their days dreaming of how their life should be when they could just accept where they are, try their best to achieve small goals and call it a day. I do not have the perfect body certainly, the perfect house, my dream career, my dream anything... but I never ever give up... or at least I try not to. All that matters to me is that I become the very best version of myself. If I have tried most days to do that I feel that is all I can do.

Kooky Holiday Pics...

A card Spencer made for me right after Christmas.

 

 Making gingerbread house.

 

Bill and Crazy Amy the Dawg

 

Stockings