On Monday January 14th Chris Annis would have turned 29.
If he were still here with us, and was still our coworker no doubt all of us would have made him a very silly cake covered in strange plastic animals, and probably TP'd his cubicle.
I can barely imagine what his parents will go through on his first birthday without him, which is coming up on Monday. I cannot even begin to imagine the year they will have. I know that when my mother died I had a year full of "firsts" without her that were very painful. My first birthday without her was very difficult, as were all of the first holidays without her. Her first birthday was also very hard. The first year without her was a very hard year but honestly, she was my mother. She technically is supposed to go before me. I do not really have much of a belief in God so I did not know where she really was and I still do not. However, at least it is the natural order for a parent to die before a child.
Chris's loved ones will have a very hard time this year. I am prepared to support them in any way I can, however, all that I have learned about grief is that it simply takes time. I once had a class in death and dying when I was in nursing school (I never became a nurse though I got pretty far). In that class I learned that there really are no answers and there is no schedule and there is no timetable. There is no "getting over" these kinds of things and though the stages of grief do happen, they do not always happen to everyone, and not all of them happen, and there is no order for when they happen if they do. You just simply have to FEEL BAD until you DON'T FEEL BAD anymore. There is no way AROUND it.... only THROUGH. no detours. No shortcuts.
A person or a family in mourning has a hole in their heart. Over the years that hole will not go away, the edges of it will just be a little less jagged. Maybe one day the shock will start to wane and the realization will start to sink in that this person they loved is not coming back. Maybe their faith will guide them through that. Maybe the thought that they will see that person again gives them comfort. Years later they will think they are past the pain etc and then something will trigger a memory or a date or who knows what? And there you are, right back there to that raw vulnerable place you found yourself when they first died. I have a friend that lost a child when the child was 11 and she will never ever, ever be over this. Ever. She remembers every anniversary, every date, every birthday... "Megan would have been 22 today. Megan would have done this by now..."
I have a very difficult time dealing with death myself, probably because I have no faith in God. I have no idea where the person goes, what their life is like now...etc. Where are they? Can they see us? Do they come alive when we think about them? Can they send us messages? Are they reunited with other people who have died? Do they watch over us? Do they know we miss them? My mother died on Mother's Day 1994, and her mother died on Mother's day 1974. What the hell is THAT about????
In this silly blog I have no answers and I will never pretend that I do. All I can do is share one silly little thing that makes January 14th a very significant day for me. January 14th 2004 was 4 days after my 39th birthday. For months I had been feeling odd, tired I don't know.. so many odd symptoms. On January 14th, 2004 I finally found out that I was not sick or losing my mind.. but that I was 28 weeks pregnant.
TWENTY EIGHT WEEKS. Yes, I went to nursing school. Yes, my Dad was an M.D. , and HIS DAD was also an M.D. I thought I really knew everything. In 1991 I actually diagnosed my mother's ovarian cancer using the book "Our Bodies Our Selves." When we found out for sure what she was sick with it was still terrible but I had guessed correctly. So how could I not know that I was 28 weeks pregnant? I am not sure. I was REALLLLLLY busy. However.... I had an ultrasound... and there he was... Spencer Harrison Chapin. It is surreal to be told on January 14th that you will not only become a parent unexpectedly but that this blessed event will occur in the beginning of April. April Fool's Day, to be exact. You see, I had to have a planned C Section and guess what? That day was WIDE OPEN.....
January 14th can be a sad day, because it was Chris's birthday and he would have been 29. I don't know where he is right now, but I doubt he would want us all to be sad. I am sure his parents, his friends, people who knew him will be sad on that day, but for a long time it was a happy day for him.
Once upon a time, it was a COMPLETELY CRAZY INSANE day for me.
Chris, I have no idea where you are or what you are doing today. I know only that your friends and family miss you a great deal, and that you were well-loved, and that your smile and fond memories that they have of you will sustain them through this very difficult year ahead. I for one wish I had gotten to know you better, and I will forever regret that I did not have that chance. Never ever again will I pass up the chance to talk to, or get to know someone that I feel like I could be better friends with for fear of making a total ass of myself. Happy Birthday! I hope Spencer and I can celebrate your birthday next year by remembering the 91 things we did to make other people smile in your memory. We are sure going to try.
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