I cannot BELIEVE it has been so long since I have done a post on here.. I have been Job Hunting and a lot of other things. Then on February 16th a friend of mine had a baby, and we knew the baby would be sick ahead of time. She fought valiantly but in the end after two 12 hour long surgeries she just could not seem to heal. She died after about 3-4 weeks of life. That was heart wrenching and such a dramatic roller coaster. We had SO MANY PEOPLE praying for her. I do not pray so much as..... I'm not sure what I do... I hope though... I always hope. And when I am looking for prayers I call on the BIG GUNS, my Mother In Law Mary Jo in CA... who seems to have God's Cell Phone number or something. But even Mary Jo and all of her prayer circles could not save little Kaylen. I suppose it was not meant to be. On the day of her memorial, which was a brief graveside service at the cemetery near Baker Prarie here in Canby, it was a glorious beautiful day. On such a day, there is no room for sadness, and yet I was going to attend a funeral for a month old baby.
I got out of work early to attend the funeral, and as I was getting into Canby from Tigard I noticed a big white car in front of me. Then it hit me... it was the hearse from the Canby Memorial Chapel. "That's odd," I thought. As they turned right on Ivy, I thought OH they must be going to Hope Village. There are so many seniors there and a nursing home... and.... It's just a logical conclusion.
Then He turned left onto Township. Hmmm. Then I remembered that the last time I ever saw this car was when they loaded Chris's casket into it. Made me SO SAD at remember that day... But then... that was a verrrry rainy day. This is a gorgeous Spring day - one o the first we have had. Then as I was driving every place I was driving to, He was driving to also he was in front of me. I thought.. "You know..... White Hearse.... I do not realllly want to think about Chris today... I am ALREADY SAD. I am going to a BABY's funeral. Helllloooo..."
Then as I was getting ready to turn into the cemetery, HE TURNED in there too!!!! Then it FINALLLLLY occurred to me..... Kaylen was in the back of that car. DUH. I was driving behind him, and he kept driving to the same places I was going because we were going to the same place: he was taking her to her final resting place.
We all stood around there... and one by one people in the crowd hugged my friend and the dad and the siblings of Kaylen. There was a beautiful service lots of speeches and gorgeous violin music and hymns and it was very special. Then at the end, people emerged with many pink and white heart shaped balloons. Kari's children ( Kaylen's four older siblings who thought their baby sister was coming home) they passed out the heart shaped balloons. then at the count of three, we let them all go, and watch as they flew away. It was a beautiful gesture. I stood there just overwhelmed.... but of course I never go to a FUNERAL without my CAMERA (GAWD) but I thought, "Kari might want a picture of these." I ONCE AGAIN threw etiquette and decorum RIGHT out the window and took two pics of those balloons flying up to Heaven or wherever they were going.
I stayed until the very end. I cannot attend a funeral without making an ass out myself of course so I moved my car a little closer while the family and a few close friends remained to watch her be put into the ground. I got out of my car and stood off to the side a little. I did not so much want to see this but I wanted to just stand there, apart, but quietly, and be there for Kari, so that she was know I was there until the end. If it were my child, I think that is when I woudl completely LOSE IT. so... I wanted her to know with my presence "I am here. I am NOT going ANYWHERE."
Unfortunately, as I was standing there, Lost in thought I hear this man say loudly, "If someone coudl MOVE THEIR VAN we could get the bulldozer over to the dirt pile and then we could start...." HUH??? OH OF COURSE!!!! OF COURSE LIZ parked her GINORMOUS VAN in front of the dirt pile. I like FLEW to the car and moved it to a different spot.." UGH. Then I came back to stand silently.
We all watched as Kaylen's tiny white casket was put into the ground. Unspeakably sad... my heart BROKE for Kari, my friend. If I am honest though, I would say that Kaylen is at rest now, at peace and her battles are over. It was not LESS of a loss, but it was to me at least, not as hard as Chris. Kaylen had parents, and a family and tons of people all over the country praying for her, yes and they were allll very sad... but she did not get a chance to do much living. She did not have a smile that lit up a room yet. She did not have a Best Friend whose heart just BROKE. She did not have mystified coworkers. She did not do much living. She would have I think, given the chance... She was a beautiful little girl... She had a mother who loved her but she did not have a mother who could tell funny stories about her.
Kaylen's death was tragic, but her little life was so short. No less meaningful, but she did not have coworkers, best friends, college roommates, teammates. Had she lived I am sure she would have! Chris's loss hit me so, so hard. Maybe my lack of faith is at play here again. Kaylen's church family said she was now in the arms of Jesus. Chris probably is too, but honestly? For him it is probably more like "So Yeah...Uhmmm God... Are you gonna finish that sandwich?" I think God has a sense of humor. He must. I hope so. He needs one. And if not, maybe that is why Chris had to go hang with him early.
After Kaylen's service I looked at the four pictures I
took. I had one of a BEAUTIFUL tree and the sun was shining through it. I took
that before the service started. I wanted to capture it for Kari. Then I took one of her kids passing out the
balloons because it was very moving and they were sooooo brave. Then The last two I took of the balloons
flying up to the sky. It was UN REAL
when I looked at the last two. The first
one of those I took, I SWEAR the Balloons were flying around and if you look
carefully they spell out "K R."
Those were Kaylen's initials. Not
everyone can make it out... but I did.
THAT brought a
smile to MY heart that day, and I don't know. It still does So that can be Smile number.... What number are we on, anyway??? No idea. Let's call it 87.
I also put a smile on my son Spencer's face recently and also
frankly on my Supervisor Joe's face. This is because after getting so frustrated working there I
finally found another job and gave my two weeks' notice. But then........ three days before my very
last day at Xerox they asked me if I would
like to finally do what I have been asking them for 7 months to do: Work at
Home. You know, by this time I was annoyed. I had a job all
lined up in Salem. Not a GREAT job that
I was thrilled about and the commute would
be horrendous, but the pay would have made it SORT of worth it. However, if I work at home I get to spend the summer with My
Spencer. I will probably make less
money but I cannot put a price on time
with my Spencer. So I took it and now I am doing this crrrrazy job from my
house. Today is my first day. I like it so far, and I LOVE seeing Spencer get
ready for school.
So, for ONCE,
Xerox gave ME a smile. Its good for the
summer at least. Then I will reevaluate.
But now I can walk to his school at 3
and go get him. When school is out, I can ride my Wicked Witch Bike down
to the Faist Farm stand at the end of my street at 2:30 when I get out of work (when
Betty opens in June) and Spencer and I can make Strawberry Jam. I
can see him play basketball outside my window.
Here is another SMILE:
Spencer made a SPEECH about Lewis and Clark at school.
I think Chris would say: "Good Job, Buddy!"
I wish he could have just held out a little longer til
the clouds cleared. Maybe he would have met someone and had a family.... He is
still very very very missed.
CAN YOU SEE IT? K R??? I can
ALLLL about lewis and Clark
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